Football

Wit, Witticism and Wisdom

By David Simmonds

Tiny South East State College in Brisket, Georgia is creating quite a stir, with its decision to appoint God its defensive line coach for the coming football season.

?It was a natural evolution for us? says Billy Joe Jones, head coach of the reigning division 4 champion South East State Wild Turkeys. ?We took a look at the other teams we were playing, and they were doing the same as we were before the games: huddling and praying to God for a win.

?How was God going to choose which side to support? Was he going to play the odds? Would it depend on which uniform he liked the best? It was a crapshoot."

?So the answer to us seemed obvious: give him a stake in the success of the team."

So far, the Wild Turkeys are off to a respectable 2-1 start, their only loss a last minute heartbreaker at the hands of their arch rival, the Vidalia College Onion Choppers. ?They threw a Hail Mary pass on the last play of the game? explains Jones ?and I think we were too respectful of the play?s namesake to defend it aggressively."

So how has God worked out as a coach? ?He doesn?t yell and scream much," noted defensive teams captain Zeke Pakowski. ?We kind of have to sit still and divine what he wants. But it works: we focus on the outcome we want. And it?s cleaned up the language in the locker room."

God?s apparent success with the Wild Turkeys may soon lead to a bidding war for his services, predicted sports marketing expert Bill Mallman. ?It?s only a matter of time before some Tier 1 college makes him an offer he can?t refuse," he said, ?and after that, who knows ... maybe the NFL, if he plays his cards right."

But have Jones and the Wild Turkeys bought themselves an unfair advantage? After all, wouldn?t every team like to have an omnipotent force on its side? ?He?s very careful in situations like this? Jones replied. ?He always leaves a few tricks on the table." ?I also want to stress that he?s got an open ended contract with us,? said Jones. ?He can walk whenever he wants."

Jones added with a chuckle that he hoped God would stick with the team the whole season. ?That way, I can just bring water to the year-end party and he can turn it into beer."

Jones declined to reveal how much God was being paid but sources indicate that it could be as high as 10% of net team revenue. Despite several attempts, we were unable to reach God to interview him for this story.

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David Simmonds is a regular contributor to Grub Street, and other publications. For a list of all humorous postings on Grub Street, click here. Find out what?s new and most read on Grub Street by clicking here. For a complete list of Grub Street postings, please click here.